“Undoing the Silence”
I am probably going to use the title “Undoing the Silence” over and over because I love it soooo much!!! This reading up through chapter three of Undoing the Silence has like many other readings in this program hit home for me. I have been in a personal struggle with my daughter’s father. I have a difficult time standing up to him. I am not fully aware of the reasons behind this but I have recognized how difficult it is for me and at least that is a start. While reading through chapter three of Undoing the Silence one of my girlfriends had been texting me about a conversation I was dreading having with my daughter’s father tomorrow. Her exact words were “stop appeasing him. You have changed through this whole thing and your not the same person you were. I am not saying you should create WWIII with him but stop letting him dictate what you do.” Before she sent this message I was telling her that when something would occur in a conversation or situation with him I would just let whatever he said go and not even address it because I didn’t want to create conflict. I worked for the court system for a long time and I remember lots of women in divorces or custody battles that would fly off the handle in court or even out in front of the court house because they were so upset and caught up in the moment. Everyone who worked there would look down upon these women. They weren’t doing anything to help their situation. They were making it worse. I have a fear of being that woman and because of that I say nothing. I have silenced myself. Between my readings this week and my girlfriend’s words of encouragement I am going to do my best to take this to heart and work on it. Next time I feel I am saying nothing for fear of loosing control I will try to take a tiny step. It may not look like much at first but for me it will be big. One of these days while taking one of these steps I may loose some control but its because there is so much pain and passion in what I have to say.
What a beautiful way to say it: "take a tiny step". That is all you need when you are dealing with situations of that magnitude. I also kept my mouth shut around my exes and let them run all over me. I was never one to shout or get angry. One of them didn't even pay child support and I gave him anything he wanted. I watched my husband's ex-wife take over sometimes. She took over our plans, she would fight and take over everything. She got what she wanted just because she let her voice shine through. Sometimes I wish I had been a little more like her, maybe a mix of the two of us. Not so loud, not so quiet. Just finding my own voice like the book said.
ReplyDeleteLisa
Thank you Lisa! Its all uncharted territory for me so I'll just take it one day at a time for now. I always thought I was a really strong and vocal person but this is the first time in my life I'd rather just go hide under a rock. One day at a time I guess.
DeleteThanks again Lisa!
Seaira,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. I agree with Lisa but I also have to add that nobody deserves to be treated unfairly. Remember that you are your own person and that you are wonderful in your own way. My wife has two great saying that I use in situations where I feel like loosing it: " Don't use a stone when a feather will do" and "When you start to loose control and feel like screaming and yelling you are actually giving the other person control over you". Hope this helps.
Remember to breath,
Mr. H
Thank you so much. I like that, "Don't use a stone when a feather will do". I think I'm so worried I'll throw stones, I say nothing at all. I'll work on tossing out a feather ;)
DeleteHey Seaira,
ReplyDeleteThis was a very inspiring post to read. I have a difficult time "making waves" as well but I have been working on it too. It is a liberating experience to feel like I can take up more space and truly stick up for myself even if my voice shakes. Practice makes perfect -- you are definitely not alone in your struggle or wanting to not be "that woman in the courtroom". I think the tiniest prison we can put ourselves in is when we care too much about what other people think. More power to you!! What the most awesome thing about learning how to stand up and speak out is that you can blaze a trail for more women to follow in your foot steps.
Danielle